ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

I was recently speaking with a close friend of mine who is going through a fairly major “relationship reevaluation” in her life. This caused me to talk and / or think about patterns of relationships in my own life... the ones which have lasted years, those which have gone through periods of Drastic Evolution and the ones which Just Had To End.

All of them have, in some way or another, been important to me and have facilitated my personal growth, helping me in innumerable ways to become the person I am today. Sometimes that has been through the ongoing friendships started more than a decade ago... other times it is the growth caused by the ending of a relationship. Regardless of the outcome, every relationship I have ever had has brought something integral into my life, some experience which presented me with the perfect opportunity to learn an important lesson, and has (at least eventually) always caused positive changes.

We are, by nature, social animals. All of our biology and neurology hard-wire us to be around other monkeys whether we like it or not. The lack of human touch and interaction causes brain damage and infants deprived of these basic necessities fail to thrive and often die.

These are the biological facts. Though it isn’t always easy, relationships are definitely a part of the Total Monkey Experience.

I, certainly, have gone through periods of near-hermitude and have wished on more than one occasion that I could crawl up into my cave and never come out. In my experience, there are many valuable things to be learned in solitude, and I would never knock those for whom this becomes a way of life.

However, I think that for me, now, in this lifetime, one of the things that I need(ed) to learn is how to live life near and around other monkeys. These lessons can never be learned without actual interaction with said monkeys, therefore each and every relationship I have ever had has led me to and through this educational process.

I count myself very fortunate when I survey the landscape of my relationships. Several weeks ago at a pot-luck dinner at my house, it occurred to me that nearly all the people present had been a part of my life for well over a decade. (The only exceptions were some of the Significant Others of long-time friends.)

We’ve all known each other for so long, and it is great fun to look back over the years and notice in what ways we’ve changed and in what ways we haven’t. We’re all (I think) healthier, happier and a lot more sane, and we tend to have more varieties of color in our wardrobes.

These are the friends who have been there, in some capacity, for well over ten years and who will probably still be there ten years from now. These relationships are flexible... they grow as we all do. There is no expectation that who I am today is who I must be ten years from now... quite the contrary. We hope and expect (I think) that all of us will, should, and can change as life and experience accumulate.

At the pot-luck, we were discussing how different our current get together was from ones we had attended more than a decade ago, how we had changed and how we were still the same. My partner, hearing our conversation and leaning in from the kitchen, announced “The decaf is ready!” Which, in a sentence, summed up the whole thing.

My partner falls into this category of relationships, in that he and I have known each other for well over a decade. When people ask us how long we’ve been together, there is always a long moment where we stare blankly at one another trying to do the math. Our relationship feels more like a continuum and less like an event – we were friends, then started dating and lived together, then we got married and kept living together. All of this has taken about fourteen years.

I must say, it is nice to be romantically involved with someone who knew me that long ago. There are no hidden secrets or parts of my life I’d rather he didn’t know about. He was present for my “colorful past” and it is fun to reminisce and joke about the days gone by. To him, I am the same and I am different... which, I think, is perfectly accurate.

Prior to the Drastic Evolution of our relationship, I had the good fortune to be a part of The Most Amicable Divorce in History. There are few experiences in my life which taught me more than this one did. I learned that people are allowed to care about each other enough to decide to move in different directions because that is what is best for both of them. I also learned that it is possible to change the nature of a relationship without any trauma, drama or upsetness.

Around this period of Radical Transition in my life, I learned that love is not a finite resource. It is possible (preferable? necessary?) to love several people at the same time without running out of love – no one is ripped off. The more love you give, the more you have. If you love one person, you can love two. If you love two people you can love ten. If you can love ten people you can love them all.

Love is also not based upon attachment – it is possible to love without needing to cling to the object of that love. Love does not even need to be personal – it is possible to love people you’ve never even met. All of them, in fact.

But, that doesn’t mean that you want them all living in your basement, either. And, sometimes, no matter how much you love somebody, it is not always possible, preferable or healthy to stay in a close relationship with them.

This is difficult, regardless of the type or kind of relationship it is. Frankly, in my experience, it was always easier to end (or drastically change) a romantic relationship than a friendship. When you’ve dated someone, you can say “let’s be friends.” But what do you say to a friend? “Let’s be acquaintances?” Somehow, it just doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Perhaps, too, romantic relationships demand a level of communication and problem solving which isn’t necessary in most friendships. In other words, there is a higher communication requirement to live with someone, sleep with them and have a joint checking account than to see them every other Tuesday for coffee. If all you’ve ever needed to discuss was “decaf or regular,” then if problems arise there will be few skills in place to deal with them.

Romantic relationships (in my experience) seem to have a Beginning and an End (at least the romantic part) whereas friendships can sort of drift together and apart more organically. Rarely have I had to “break up” with a friend, though the few times I have it has typically not been at all pleasant. Ironically, nearly all of my previous romantic relationships ended well, on a positive note, and led to friendships afterward.

I wonder what the difference is? Perhaps one can go from a romantic relationship to a friendship, but once one no longer wants a friendship where else is there to go? Perhaps there are stronger more compelling reasons to end a friendship, whereas romantic relationships can end for a variety of non-integral reasons.

For instance, a dating relationship may end because one party wants to get married and the other doesn’t, or because one loves to travel and the other is a homebody. Though they may not be romantically suited for one another, they may very well make terrific friends. As long as both parties are mature enough to not hold a grudge, they may find that they are much better suited as friends than they ever were in a romantic relationship.

I truly wish that friendships could end this way as well, though in my experience that has not been the case. Of course, I have a very small statistical sample from which to draw my conclusions... perhaps it is a matter of the people I chose as friends in the first place.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about what I had learned regarding people who keep “Shit Lists,” i.e. a list of people from the past who the person dislikes and who they seem never to forgive. My friend postulated that it was best to try to stay off of those lists, but my experience has taught me something slightly different.

From what I have seen, if a person keeps a Shit List, it is inevitable that I (or anyone) will end up on it, given enough time. For the past several years, when I meet someone new and start to hear about how much they hate so and so who wronged them seven years ago and how they can never forgive them... well, I cancel my plans for coffee next Tuesday.

I’m also terribly leery of people who exclaim, repeatedly and after mere minutes or hours of acquaintance, “Oh, me too – we’re exactly alike.” After the second or third time of hearing this in a conversation, I have a very strong physical reaction – my alarm bells go off so loudly that I can viscerally feel them in every system of my body. When someone is convinced that I am “like them,” it is inevitable that I will disappoint them when they find I am not.

I hope, very strongly, to never have to end another friendship in my life. Part of that is having healthier friendships with more honest communication, and part of that is avoiding getting into friendships which are Doomed to Disaster. Though without the disastrous relationships, I wouldn’t have this information and would have no basis upon which to make good decisions in the present and future.

Aside from allowing me to make more informed choices, these relationships also helped me to develop internal coping skills. I learned how to get over hurt feelings without “needing” another person to acknowledge those feelings, apologize or even realize that I’d been hurt. I learned that only I am responsible for how I feel – no one else can ever “make” me feel pain, anger or betrayal. Some exterior event may have been the catalyst for feeling those things, but once those feelings are in me, they are mine. Closure is an internal state and requires no external consensus. My happiness is completely up to me -- what fantastic news!

Even the disastrous relationships had their good points, and I am glad for them. Though they (obviously) didn’t turn out well in the end, there were many positive things before that ending. When I think back on them, I remember the good times and the valuable lessons – there is no need to dwell on the disaster or cling to the pain.

Regardless of anything that happened in any of my relationships, I always hope for the best for all parties. I wish good things for all and keep no Shit List of people who “done me wrong” who I secretly hope are somewhere suffering. Their suffering could never bring me happiness – I guarantee it.

It is nice to sit here in my life and look around at my relationships, both past and present, and realize that I have no enemies. There would, perhaps, be those who would consider me their enemy, but there are none I would consider mine.

Which leaves me with a world full of friends – some I know, some I’ve known and some I never will. And though I can say that in some way I love them all, still, I’m happy they’re not all living in my basement.